From Russia to the USA

I started this piece while I was living with my grandma. She has this photo of herself in her 40s that she really likes and she wanted me to paint her when she was still young and beautiful.

I wanted to paint her in her own apartment, using the things that surround her in her daily life and add elements of the house she spent 20 years building in the country side which she has now sadly sold 10 years ago and never stops regretting it. Originally I planned to use her tablecloth from her apartment and paint cherry blossoms and a yellow wooden house for the backdrop.

The design didn't seem as interesting as the scene that presented itself to me in her very own kitchen so I chose to simply surround her with what she lives with now. That way overtime, when she looks at the painting it won't have to hurt her with painful memories of a regretful decision to sell her house.

Boris Kustodeev is a painter revered in Russia for his depictions of beautiful and flourishing merchant wives. One of the most famous of his works and one of my most favorites as well is titled a Merchant's Wife (very original).

I saw it last year during my trip to St. Petersburg and I've wanted to paint something along its lines for a long time now. My painting from today is my first of its kind and I hope to make many more in the future. I love the abundance of the table setting, the picturesque background and the lavishness of the lady's attire. I especially aspire to the depth of Boris Kustodeev's designs.

From Cold to Hot

I've spent May and most of June in St. Petersburg. The warmest it's been here during those two months is 70 degrees, and that was only for one day. I wore my summer dress only once. Some time at the end of May the central heating system in our building was turned off for the summer because the temperatures had reached 65 degrees in the day and at night it did not drop to freezing anymore. For a week the weather seemed to be warming up. Suddenly it dropped down to 48 degrees in the day and no one turned the central heating system back on in the building. It was REALLY cold for an entire week.

At home I wore woolen socks, a sweater dress, a large cotton sweater and a woolen scarf wrapped around my head. I found a Soviet Era space heater in my grandmother's closet. It was made of a bright red plastic on the outside and I was afraid that it would melt if it got really hot. I'm not sure why I thought this, upon reflection I recall that I have plastic space heaters at home which work just fine, although now I question the choice of material. Unfortunately the old space heater was missing a prong in its socket.

I think that if I could add up all the days that were actually warm in the city, they would amount to one full week. And if you counted up the days that I could spend entirely without wearing a coat, it would probably amount to two days. On the 21st, in the evening, I will be in Tucson. I really missed the heat.

Saying Goodbye

I walked out onto the balcony today, on my grandmother's flat on the fifth floor to hang up her laundry. The air is fresh, a cool breeze is blowing and the sun is shining. A beautiful day. Aroma from the lavender is floating all the way up to the fifth floor. It must be pungent down there, on the ground. The radio plays songs from the Soviet Era, the 90s and some contemporary stuff I've never heard. My grandma is fixing a cabinet door she's been waiting for me to come and fix for many years now. I was supposed to fix it today, maybe she'll let me finishing the job. She's upset, she's mad, she knows I'm leaving in less than 48 hours.

View from my grandma's kitchen window on a rainy day (June 2017)

I'm drinking my coffee and crying. She saw my tears fall, she said nothing. What is there to say. She lived through the WWII blockade. She moves on, she can't cry, life does not care for tears. Tears do not feed you, tears do not fix things. I remembered my feeling of love for this country. I've been away for so long that I forgot. But now I remember and I can come back home and carry the painful, aimless love with me.

Marsovo Field and blooming lavender on a sunny day (June 2017)

Stuff about Russia and Me

I'm coming to the end of my stay in Russia. This trip is culminating with much time spent with my grandma. We spent so much of this trip waiting for doctors and worrying about possible surgeries that this time we have left together since the results feels like stolen freedom. In Russian we have an expression "torn off the leash" meaning we've been pent up not doing much and now we're going wild with all the sudden freedom we have. So we've been doing all the touristy things that people do.

The first time I visited since leaving was in 2008-2009, during the christmas and new years season. I spent a month with my grandma in the cold cold city and I remember then she went all over town with me and did a bunch of sight seeing and theater going. It took me 7 years to finally make it out again and last summer my grandmother hardly did anything with me. She seemed much more feeble than she did in 2009 and I had experienced my mother's decent into disability by then.

My experience of taking care of my mother and the hardships she faced whenever going outside of the house, and the stress it caused me to take care of her made me fear going out with my grandmother last summer. I was afraid that her personality would be difficult, like my mother's. I was afraid we would clash. I was afraid she'd be extravagant and embarrassing and I avoided going out with her.

This time a friend gave me some very good advice. I was complaining one day that my grandmother sometimes embarrasses me by the things she says or the things she does and it causes me to tension around her because I try to contain her outrageousness by reproaching her. My friend told me I should not worry so much about what other people might think of my grandma when she says or does things I don't like. Even if her behavior is offensive, it's not my fault and not my business to do anything about it.

Sleeping security guard on the train to the village (Summer of 2016)

I started to mind this advise and it really helped me to enjoy my grandma's company a lot. Besides, I  later realized that while she is a bit extravagant even in Russia, in her own city, the things she says are not as outrageous as I think. For me it's just culture shock. Certain conversations publicly unacceptable in my experience in the US, are normal and acceptable in Russia.

Another sleeping guard on the train to the village (summer, 2016)

Of course we all know that in theory when it comes to any country or culture, there are going to be polar opposites in some aspects. It's weird to experience these polar opposites suddenly and come to a realization that what you thought was your culture, is actually not something you can understand or accept anymore. What I mean is, because I'm Russian and because I've spent a certain amount of time growing up here and living with my Russian mother in the US as well, I have a belief that I am culturally like people in Russia.

I didn't anticipate that being here for two months would cause me so much internal turmoil. Turns out I only speak and look Russian, but many things are lost on me as far as ways people interact and things they say and value. Often times I've been truly upset by things and it's been a journey of acceptance and coming to terms with two very different worlds where things are different and yet the same.  It's funny to leave at the end of two months because I feel that it is now that I've finally come to terms with all the cultural differences and clashes and have overcome my culture shock. I leave with a bitter sweet taste of affection for this place that used to be my home.

Sleeping passanger on the train to the village (Summer 2016)

Feminists in St. Petersburg, Russia

So something that has been bugging me about my communication with people in Russia is the sheer amount of complaint against the government and the system and the colossal lack of action to create a better reality. Many conversations I've had with younger locals have gone somethings like this:

Local: May I ask where you're from?

Me: The US.

Local: Wow, you're lucky! I'm planning to go to (whatever other country) soon.

Me: Why?

Local: The government is no good, there's no opportunity, the economy is bad...

While everyone is complaining and masses desire to and many leave the country, no one is taking it up to do civil actions to attempt to make a change in the world around them. This passivity and the idea that going to a new country will magically make things better has made me very upset and I felt suffocated with the silent acceptance of what is clearly wrong in the world around.

My sense of distress led me to reach out to a woman I know through a mutual friend who is involved in activism with LGBT rights in Oakland. She is also a Russian immigrant and has spent a year in St. Petersburg as an adult studying in the university recently. I asked her if she knew of any people here taking concrete actions to better their environment. She led me to a group of feminists by the name of "Eve's Ribs".

I attended a lecture given by a lawyer regarding women's rights in the work place. Her focal points of discussion surrounded discrimination, women's vs. men's salary, and harassment. An example was brought up of discrimination in a recent case where the plaintiff was a stewardess and the defendant, the national airline, Aeroflot. The plaintiff complained that Aeroflot gave salary raises and international raises to younger, thinner stewardesses. All older and heavier stewardesses were restrained to national flights only and were on a different pay schedule from the younger more "attractive" ones. 

Aeroflot argued that the weight of the stewardesses effected the cost of operating the plane because it needed more fuel and even brought an actual monetary figure of loss per kilo per year! Also, they said that stewardesses who were thicker were less effectual in their job duties because they would not be able to walk down the isles since they'd be snagging the seats as they walked. Judges ruled in favor of Aeroflot, they did not think there was valid discrimination.

There is also a list of jobs, like about 600 of them, that women are simply not allowed to have in Russia because "they're bad for their reproductive system". A woman in the audience told us that she was part of a law firm that took action and set a precedent for battling this list of jobs. A woman who worked for the law firm and had no desire to take on one of these jobs actually went and applied and after being denied on the basis that she was a woman, the law firm took the case to court. This action created a lot of buzz in the media and eventually led to the firm taking on a real case with a woman who wanted a job she was not allowed to have. The woman won and got her job.

I asked if there was a constitution that made discrimination against the law. The lawyer said, yes, but in Russia it is considered to be in bad taste to bring up the constitution in a court of law. If a lawyer brings up the constitution to make a point everyone decides that it is time to stop listening to that lawyer and no one takes them seriously from that point on. I was also told that most of the cases are decided before they're even heard. Bribery is still ruling our country. If a high profile case is won by the plaintiff, it is often to their detriment. Some men recently won some case and soon there after a bag of money was dropped into their possession, they were caught by the police and spend some years in prison for theft. They were framed.

I learned a lot about the state of affairs in Russia during this lecture. But I was very happy to see that there was some people willing to speak of what is happening and to call it out for its injustice rather than just sit around complaining and wishing they were in a different country. There is still fear, and a lot of it, though. After the speaker told me that the judicial system is rigged, she asked that the person who was recording the event do not post the recording publicly and repeatedly alluded to the fact that she really shouldn't be saying the things she said about the courts. This was very disconcerting, for how can change be brought forth if people fear speaking out?

Change is happening, but it is happening slowly and carefully. Activism is treading lightly in St. Petersburg. The lady in charge of organizing the event told me that only recently the "feminism" was distasteful in her midsts and it has been a battle to simply get things rolling, but things are rolling and hopefully they will grow and flourish.

Life in St. Petersburg

Here's some stuff about what it's like to live here. If you want to buy anything, you have many choice of how you'll experience shopping. St. Petersburg is abundant in its variety of retail practices. While there are supermarkets like those we're used to in major cities in the US, there are also small shopping centers that follow the soviet era procedures. While all the sails people are in one space, you have to come up to every sales person individually to buy stuff. You can't just put it into your cart and pay at the end after you've accumulated everything.

This type of shopping center is kind of like a farmer's market, only the goods are not necessarily from a farm. Here you see a fish stand inside of such a shopping center. The only thing that has changed is that before, in the Soviet era, this place had only one cashier. So, every singly sales stand had a sales person give you the goods and a sales ticket and you would go to a cashier in the center of the sales area and pay them after you show them all your tickets. I'm not sure how they controlled theft in that situation.

Of course other types of selling practices exist, this is just one of the kind that stands out to me as something I don't see often in the US.

If you're looking for scarves in St. Petersburg chances are, as a tourist you may end up in this store on Nevsky Prospect. Here they sell the world renown Pavlovposadski scarfs with beautiful folk prints made in the town Pavlov Posad. As you can see this store is decked out in a huge number of different prints, so if you go in there you better know what colors look good with you so the sales ladies can help you pick, or you'll spend a lifetime looking through all of them. You can also find them in any of the souvenir shops along Nevsky, but they will not have this many and you may not find the right one for you.This store has four walls covered in scarves.

As you walk along the streets you will find amazingly intricate facades such as this one. I really try to resist taking too many pictures because I'd like to experience the world through my own eyes as much as possible but this decorative architecture was just too much for me to pass up.

I've been taking ballet classes and below you will see what some of my walk back home looks like. I am particularly fond of the night lights in this city.

Housing in St. Petersburg

During communism these high-rise apartment buildings were built in St. Petersburg, and other places in Russia. This type of architecture is still being built to suit the needs of the dwindling Russian population. Many families originally owned apartments in the pre-soviet block houses, which were built much better, but as communal housing was on the rise and private ownership was minimal in that era, people were exchanging their smaller apartments for bigger apartments and families moved from the sturdy and the now prestigious neighborhoods to these modern multi-storied suburbias. Here's an impressive view of the concrete jungle from my friend's 9th story apartment near the Primorskaya metro station.

Nostalgia and Saint Petersburg

I haven't posted in a while. This post will be for those who may have some nostalgia for St. Petersburg or who might be curious of what parts other than downtown look like.

I was thinking of my mom who often asks me to send her photos of the most mundane things in her home city. It is the mundane things that remind her of her daily life during her childhood and youth prior to immigration.

New Matryoshka in a New Place

I finally came to some sense of stability and harmony, to a degree, in my temporary home with babushka. Starting my next matryoshka means a lot of hours of concentration, because I chose a very difficult building for the background. It's difficult because it has so many windows and non structural designs that it takes a lot of patience to draw.

Babushka really likes to keep things neat. She'll have to outgrow that, there's no way I can set up and clean up every time I take a break.

The most difficult and time consuming part is looking at the photo and using two point perspective and long rulers to draw the building. It's like a tall hill I must walk over, once that's done it's like a fun jog downhill with painting.

Initial sketch is very light, because I don't want it show through the paint.

Reflections on the Culture of May 9th Celebrations

Dear readers, now that the proper period of respectful reverence has cushioned the epic Day of Victory in Russia, constructive criticism may shower its sacred memory.

As years dragged on since my involuntary emigration in 1996 at the impressionable age of 10, I tenaciously clung onto ideals most vivid in my memory. Tears poured from my eyes upon hearing songs of the WWII genre, and I don't mean just tango music of the 30s and 40s. I mean there's a real genre of music in Russia that is solely about war, and is rather beautiful; everyone can sing along or at at least hum to its melodies. My empathy for the unknown soldiers who died in wars unknown to me (all those fought after WWII, of which there are many) ran deep and hurt my soul. It was a strange feeling. The emotion was exclusive to my country of origin, it never occurred to me that maybe the empathy should run as deep for other nations and their losses.

The feeling was so innate and I never questioned it, until this May 9th. For the first time in my adult life I witnessed what the actual day looked liked. I saw the televised procession of militant humans and machines. I saw the powerful congregations of civilians walking in memory of their lost ancestors, four generations passed. I thought of the implications of these elements.

The present Russian government capitalizes on the sense of camaraderie of its civilians in this colossal and very righteous event that transgressed 70 plus years ago. The Soviet people beat the Nazis and saved the world. The Russian government can now use this event as the means to justify investing in its military power. On May 9th they can show off all the young recruits marching through the streets of major cities, who can only hope to live up to the deity-status of those who died in WWII. All the civilians can bestow complacent pride upon the rivers of future casualties. People's desire to congregate for a cause is quenched in a union of a politically supported, and militantly accommodated Immortal Regiment to commemorate the much appreciated casualties of WWII. Nationalism is fortified yearly, on May 9th.

I question the sincerity of my government sponsored empathy for the soldiers of my mother nation and their sacrifices for the safety of their families. I no longer cry when I listen to one of my favorite genres of Russian music. I enjoy it with a sober apprehension of its power to affect my mentality.

I can't help but feel a sense of shame for my cavalier commentary, I know May 9th is truly sacred to my people. Nevertheless I feel it is necessary.

Some televised snippets of televised programming:

May 9th and the Immortal Regiment

Today was Victory Day in Russia. Many celebrate this day full heartedly. Investment in festivities on a national and personal level can probably be considered greater than any other holiday in Russia throughout the year. WWII has touched this country in a very tremendous and lasting way. To give an insight I'll briefly tell my family's experience. My mom is Russian and from St. Petersburg. My father is Armenian and from a Georgian village and his family was not at all involved in the war. So this is relevant for only one side of my family.

My great Grandfather died fighting in the war. My great grandmother was left in charge of two children, one 4 years old and one 6 years old at the start of the war. She lived with them in St. Petersburg, and managed to not only survive herself through the blockade, but also save both of her children from starvation. My own grandmother and her younger brother witnessed death, sickness and the depraved desperation of humanity from famine and cold at an early age. They lived to be functioning adults, raised their own families. My mother, growing up, spent a lot of time with her grandmother, who told her many stories of her experience in the war. My own grandmother has told me many stories about her experience in the war also. And thus we have four generations, two of which were actually physically present in WWII and two who are the direct descendants of these survivors and have first hand accounts of what happened.

While I only have one side of my family that has sustained death, loss, and survival, others have much larger families and people on both sides, their father's and their mother's, with deep roots in this gigantic monster of a war. Today I saw small children, who would be the 5th generation removed, interviewed by news crews in the streets of our city, telling them very clearly and with understanding who their predecessors were in the war and what they did and how they died. These children felt pride in their ancestor's contributions and sacrifices to the nation for the well being of its people. When I have my own children I will also be telling them these stories.

Until this year I was convinced that all people felt this pride who were from Russia. I found out recently, only yesterday in fact, that some people whose families were not directly involved, do not actually care. I was surprised to find this out because I am part of that culture of immense pride in the contributions, sacrifices and the ability to survive through the adversity of WWII. But having lived in America for as long as I have (since 1996) I do have a new perspective, coming back and really seeing this celebration first hand after so many years. Hearing other people's opinions and knowing something about human psychology from sheer life experience has opened up a new dialogue in my mind about why the Russian people in such large numbers feel such immense pride in this particular event and how it effects them on a personal and national levels.

I'd like to write more on this subject, but being as this day is so sacred to so many people, I'd like to leave that discussion for another day and close this with some videos from today's March of the Immortal Regiment. An even where all people who have family members that have been effected by WWII bring photos of their ancestors, if they have them, and come to the main streets to march in their memory. I went with my great grandmother's photo, her name is Taisiya Ivanovna Susoeva, 1906-1983.

Here are some videos from the time before the actual march started. I started taking a few videos when people were just arriving and joining the formation for the actual event. By the time I found my place in the crowd there were so many people and we were so tightly packed that there was no sense in trying to take any videos because all I could see was the people directly around me and nothing much else.